That's Preposterous!

Once upon a cliché time I was scrubbing my bathroom grout. I was down on my knees and my brother walked in and asked the usual, “That reminds me, how is the gay bar doing?” Normally I’d throw a scrub brush into his face and hope his eyes would burn but today I was feeling silly, kind of like how you feel when that clown at the circus wants to take your young cousin to see the elephants talking about how one has a itty bitty trunk. It’s a mix of anger and silliness; you think of so many awful things to do to this man, woman, whatever clowns are and you know that it can’t be anything normal. You need to do something that abashes the very lines of sanely torturing someone. Well, this is the sort of train my brain was strained ain, I mean on. I looked at my brother and answered his question, “Why they are running around in Hammer Pants, smacking an old woman with a taco, and doing a dance that involves them standing perfectly still.” I’m honestly not sure why I said that. Well, I wasn’t sure until a few seconds later when a small creature poofed onto the floor. When I say “poofed” I don’t mean in relation to the gay bar, just clarifying.

This tiny creature looked up into my face and I couldn’t help but notice how unusual it was. It looked like a cross between a Tyrannosaurus and George W. Bush with long noodley arms that still had mittens attached to the end, though I was certain there was no way hands could be tucked in them. What I also noticed was my strange urge to do things that had no purpose or would seem out of character for myself. Then to add to the paramount of silliness that was already happening the thing spoke. The voice was smooth and seductive, as if Barry White had become an orator and sold his soul to the devil for the ability to seduce androgynously. It said, “Oh hello, I’m so glad you said those things. Too many people do not say those silly things that come to their mind from time to time. So many people say them just to get attention or to make someone go away but you said it without any intent of the sort. I’m so relieved I thought social stigma had made me useless! Oh, where are my manners?”

My brother and I both waited for him to continue that thought but he just stood there looking at me. I tried to get him to go on, “Where are your manners….” He looked at me and shrugged, “I’d hoped you knew.” I finally could tear my eyes from him and looked at my brother who just stood there, a slight stream of drool escaping from the corner of his mouth. Finally, I gave in, “Who, what are you?” He spoke and I could hardly hide my arousal but I also had no idea why I was feeling like that. “I’m the Preposterosaurus, pet to his not-so benevolent supremeness,” he replied.

Almost in queue with the predetermined order of all strange conversations I retorted, “Preposterosaurus? What is that?” With that slightly hooked nose and eyes that looked stupid, but full of intention, he sniffed at my grout and continued the conversation without even looking at me. “In simple terms I’m the deity of all things preposterous,” he spoke while he licked my floor and a look of joy came over his face. My brain instantly started thinking, “That was quite a simple explanation for a being of preposterous ideas. I mean, he’s preposterous but not as much as I’d expect.” He then continued talking as if reading my mind, “Of course, everything isn’t as preposterous as you’d think but that wouldn’t make sense. The universe wouldn’t work if the deities were just straight embodiments of their chosen subject. Think about it, could I get ANYTHING done if I was preposterous ALL the time?” I found myself shaking my head just being dragged into his talk, “I mean except for the wonderful supremeness seems to be always in the element.”

“Wait, you know God?” I blurted out as it finally hit me! He looked at me as if I was a crazy clown asking to take his nephew to the snake cage to look at the one-eyed trouser snake. “I know many gods and goddesses, but of course, I know the Supremeness.” He just talked while gauging my face and body. He kept eating my grout and then we watched him grunt and it looked like he was trying to defecate on my floor! Sure enough as I thought it, he did it. It came out in a cube shape and I’ve never seen anything have a dirty glint to it, but there it was. It was surely glinting but was a dark shine.

“Well, I’ve got to get going! Keep up the preposterousness!” He spoke hurriedly as if he was trying to escape recompense for what he just did and poofed out as quickly as he poofed in. It was more like a piff instead of a poof. After my brain finally started blocking out all of this, I went to clean up his excrement and noticed that it was very hard. I dropped it in the sink and it gave a very sharp “Clink”. I threw my hand forward trying to stop it from going down the drain and jamming my finger in the process. My curiosity was getting the better of me today, but I just had to know. After washing it off, which did nothing at all; it was just dark and not going to change. It looked like a crystal of sorts. Not knowing what it was, I had to go to the only place I knew would have the answer: The Internet!

It took me a long time to find. I mean it took 48 mountain dews and 6 pizzas to finally find what I was looking for. There had been other sightings of these small crystals. They were diamonds! That little dinosaur poops out diamonds! Due to their rareness there isn’t even a price for them. Some people claimed to have had them but threw them away because they thought a mouse had pooped on their carpet. I must get more! Time for a life of preposterous intent!

Story for Chaining! Not great but it'll do!

Well, this is the story of a young prince. He is the prince of a small country named Draeden. Which means “Home of Trees” in the old language. Their country had always been full of luscious foliage, from tall trees to the ivy that spread across much of their castle walls and homes. Many who visited called it the green country because that’s all you saw when you came.

Though this had been in jeopardy as there was a blight spreading through the countryside. It wasn’t that the plants were dying; this blight was one that just stopped all the growth. Things just stopped growing all together. It was as if the plants were now lazy. They had no urge to try. No effort at all. The ivy on the walls didn’t die; it just stopped clinging to the walls and fell to the earth just lying there.

The prince was obviously worried about this. He was one of “those” princes. He was the kind that gave other royalty a bad name with his actual concern for serfs and citizens alike. He was known to ride inot town and help with the digging of new town defenses, much to the chagrin of his father who was paranoid of losing any of his power if someone were to take advantage of his son’s reckless altruism.

Well,l the prince was trying to figure out what to do about this blight. He had the court alchemists try every potion and mixture they could think of. He even hired an old hermit who said he could talk to the plants to come and try to diagnose the problem. The hermit said that he had spent most of the day trying to get something out of the plants. For the money was getting he thought he should put a whole days work in. But all he could get out of them was, well, the closest translation into human tongue would be,”Meh.”

From there the prince didn’t know what to do. His father didn’t seem concerned. The prince knew his father was a good man and loved him dearly but he knew his father was a very short-sighted man. His people had learned long ago how to mill and dry pack most of the plants, fruits and grains they now produced for the entire continent. They had stores to last them and their whole country for years probably but the prince didn’t want to test this duration.

The prince knew that there must be answers somewhere. After conferring with his best friend, Mr. Rufflebottoms (His late mother, as all young prince heroes have a dead or dying parent, picked the name), he knew he would need to travel. Mr. RuffleBottoms was one of those mutts that made your average trash digging alley dog look like a thoroughbred pedigree.

He knew as much freedom as he tried to enjoy, his father would never let him do what he was planning. He packed everything he would need to get by in the wilds. He had his bedroll, his knife, his sword, a water skin, and his heavy cloak besides the clothes he wore on his back. He had heard many stories of hunters that had gone out hunting beasts for the villages. How hard would it be to trap food? He wanted to save as much food in the kingdom’s stores for the peasants. He had also heard great stories of the heroes as different bards passed through and he stealed down to the tavern to enjoy the music and poems. He knew due to his royal bloodline he instantly had a one-up on any bandits or monsters.

He spent atleast an hour having an argument with Mr. RuffleBottoms as to why he couldn’t take him along. Mr. RB just couldn’t seem to get the simple facts. It was very frustrating to our young hero. Now, you may want the princes name as it is pretty apparent he is going to be our main character. In order to not snicker at our heroes’ name, you must understand that people in this kingdom viewed plants as powerful parts of life and paid them great respect, even the tiniest daisy. They knew the power it took to grow from that small seed and push their way up. They had monthly rituals where entire villages only ate meat or nothing at all to show the plants that they were willing to let them be for one day and respect their right to privacy; just like a good relationship.

There were footsteps down the corridor and the prince quickly stuffed his travel pack under the bed. “Pansy! Pansy! Are you decent?!” The voice came from a young man in white clothing that had a small chefs hat on. He didn’t really care if Pansy was decent. More than once while they were playing around the castle had he talked Pansy into being naked. Galef had probably seen Pansy naked more than the doctor who had administered to his birth.